The Book Of The Sue
by Catch 23
Summary: Mary Sues. The bane of fanfiction everywhere. For the readers, merely a minor annoyance. No one makes you read them. But for the characters it's another matter entirely. Join me as I explore the more sinister side to the OC phenomenon. Or dont. Whatever.
1. Chapter 1

The Book of Sue

And Catch 23 spaketh thus unto the readers "Lo! For I hath created another parody for thee, that thou might partake of it and becometh wise in the ways of the Mary Sue." And there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth. Verily, forsooth.

Mary Sues. The bane of fanfiction everywhere. For the readers, merely a minor annoyance. You don't like a story? Hit the back button and all you've lost is the five minutes you spent reading it. But for the characters themselves, how terrible must it be? To have reality warped around them, their very personalities eroded until they are nothing more than witless puppets playing cheerleader to an unstoppable paragon of virtue. Join me as I explore the more sinister side to the OC phenomenon. Or don't. Whatever floats your boat.

I don't own anyone except Melissa and I don't really want her.

To make things interesting, I've tried to tell this story through the eyes of two of the most despised and neglected characters in this fandom. They deserve more love.

Chapter 1

And behold, and evil shall come, yet they shall not know her for what she is

It had started on a perfectly normal Friday morning. It had been strange in only one respect; though the forecast had been for clouds and light showers, the day had been beautiful and sunny. Still, the weathermen got it wrong all the time.

Anyway, a nice sunny day, the weekend only a matter of hours away, and nothing more worrying on anyone's mind than whether the teacher would spring a pop quiz.

A pop quiz had not been sprung. An announcement had been made, but an exchange student arriving was not particularly upsetting. Admittedly, the last exchange student had trapped their souls in a tabletop role-play game, but whatever. They'd had other exchange students who weren't evil and crazy with magical powers.

And then Melissa Crystal Anderson walked into their lives.

She was beautiful. There was no denying that. But even now, when trying to describe her Anzu found that she couldn't. She didn't remember her hair colour, her eye colour, what she'd been wearing (she didn't think it had been a school uniform…), all she had left was the general impression of loveliness.

She had introduced herself, and given them some of her life history, but Anzu couldn't remember any of that either.

Melissa had sat down at a desk in the middle of the room, between Yugi and Kaiba, which was odd, because Yugi sat at the front next to her, and Kaiba sat at the back, by the window.

Yugi, his usual friendly self, had smiled and welcomed her. Kaiba hadn't even looked up from his book. Jounuchi, who was sitting in front of them (though she was certain that he usually sat on the other side of the room), turned round to say hi, and, knowing him, stare at her chest.

And then it got really spooky.

Anzu turned back to the front, waiting for the lesson to start, but the teacher wasn't there anymore. It was as if he'd vanished into thin air. She turned around again and was shocked by how empty the room was. The only people there were those that she knew personally: Yugi, Jounuchi, Bakura, Ryuuji, Honda and Kaiba.

Kaiba finally managed to tear himself away from his book and stared around at the empty desks, frowning and looking vaguely puzzled. He saw her looking at him, shrugged and returned to his book.

No one else seemed any the wiser. They were all chatting with Melissa, completely oblivious to the disappearance of their classmates.

Anzu got up and walked over to where they were sitting. Yugi had switched minds with his other self, something he never did in school, and in front of a complete stranger…She was starting to get very scared.

"Hey…you guys? Did anyone notice…?"

Melissa looked up and smiled. All worry and confusion vanished from Anzu's mind. She completely forgot what she had been about to say. It was probably stupid anyway. When did she, Tea, ever have anything to say but "we believe in you, Yugi"?

_That's not my name…_she thought vaguely, but it wasn't important. And neither was she. She was happy to bask in the brilliance that was Melissa, greatest duellist of this age.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2 

And all shall become slaves to her will

"Anzu…" The voice seemed to come from a long way away. "Anzu, can you hear me?"

She snapped back to reality, and found herself standing in the classroom, Jounuchi and Honda standing in front of her. Honda looked worried, while Jounuchi just stared into space with a vapid grin on his face.

"Are you ok?" Honda asked. "Melissa asked us to wait behind and see if you were alright."

"…Wait behind? Where did they go?"

"She went back to her place with Atem. She's so cool; she's got her own house. But her parents died when she was only a little girl, so she's been on her own all this time. It's very sad," Jounuchi told her, his voice dreamy and distant. "I…I think I'm in love, Tea."

"…What did you call me?"

"Sorry." Jounuchi grinned. "I don't know what I'm talking about. I'm just so in love," he told her, voice dropping to a whisper, as though he were imparting a great secret. "Anyway, if you're ok, I'm going to try and catch up with her. Cause I love her."

She exchanged a glance with Honda, who shrugged.

"In his defence, she was pretty hot." He muttered, sounding faintly embarrassed.

"He looked like he'd been drugged." Anzu muttered. "I think she did something to me. I just looked at her, and then I felt all weird and…worthless."

Honda shrugged again. "You think she's packing some kinda magic or something?"

"I don't know, but if she is, Atem's in serious danger. Where does she live?"

"She didn't say. They just went," he told her. "How will we find them?"

"Kaiba!"

"…Um…what about him?"

"He's a computer hackery kinda guy. He's bound to be able to find out where she lives."

"What makes you think he'd help us? You know what a selfish little git he is."

"We tell him she's trying to kill Atem or something. He's creepily protective of his little rival."

And so, fifteen minutes later, they found themselves in said selfish, creepy, overprotective git's office.

"…And that's the situation," Anzu finished. "Will you help us?"

"No."

"What? Why not? Yugi is in danger!"

"Meh. I'm sure he can deal with one preppy little schoolgirl. And if he can't, who cares if he dies?" Kaiba asked, with the air of someone making a logical and indisputable point.

"We do!" Anzu yelled, a little too loudly. She blushed.

"Well go do it yourself then."

"Come on. Didn't that girl strike you as odd? I know you noticed when everyone vanished."

"I don't think there's a law against warping the fabric of the universe. Assuming that she even did anything. Maybe we just didn't see them leave. I know I wasn't paying attention."

"Let's go, Anzu," Honda said with a smile and a wink. "It's just because he knows he can't do it."

"Listen, whatever your name is, I've played mind games with professionals. I find it insulting that you would even try to manipulate me like that," Kaiba snapped. "You just blew the tiny, remote chance you had of getting me to help you." He turned back to his computer, and began typing.

"Look, you owe us, Kaiba."

"I do not."

"What about that time you tried to kill us? You still haven't paid us back for that. You haven't even apologised," Anzu snapped.

"Sure I did," he told her, without looking up.

"No. You didn't. And now it's payback time, you honourless son of a bitch."

Kaiba looked like someone in the throws of a violent internal battle. Either that or he was suffering from acute indigestion. Apparently his conscience won out for he sighed. "Fine. Whatsherface's address, and then you'll piss off and leave me alone?"

Two nods.

"And you'll stop holding that Death-T thing over me and promise to never speak to me ever again?"

Two more nods.

It took him all of five minutes to find what they were looking for. Melissa, it transpired, lived in a semidetached, out in the suburbs.

"…But that's miles away. How will we get there?" Honda whinged.

Anzu smiled sweetly. "Kaiba, would you say five minutes on Google is fair compensation for attempted murder?"

"You heartless bitch. You promised you'd leave me alone."

"We just need a lift. Please?"

Kaiba fidgeted pointedly with a dagger shaped letter opener for a few seconds, but eventually bowed his head in acquiescence.

Anzu fretted desperately on the way to the house. God knew what that evil succubus was doing to her beloved…ahem…best friend.

Kaiba, possibly out of resentment at their manipulation, but more probably because that was just the way he drove, sped like a lunatic, almost killing them all several times. Fortunately, the traffic cops around the city all recognised his car, and all knew better than to challenge him, so they made it to their destination without incident.

Melissa's house was, unsurprisingly cute and well kept though there was an odd quality to it. Looking at it was like looking into two mirrors facing each other - countless images superimposed over each other. Some were luxurious mansions, some shabby little hovels. The overall effect was subtle yet disturbing, and if Anzu hadn't been so fired up, it would have genuinely bothered her. She stormed up the path, kicking a garden ornament aside, and then thumped on the door. Neither of the boys noticed anything odd; Kaiba because he was still sulking and had refused to leave the car, and Honda because he just wasn't a very observant person.

After a minute or so, the door opened, and Marissa stepped out, smiling prettily. She, like her house, seemed to drift in and out of focus. Sometimes her hair seemed long and black as ebony, while sometimes it was cropped short and so blond it was almost white.

"Hi guys! How is everyone? What are you doing here?"

"What the hell have you done with Yugi, you creepy little whore!?" Anzu snarled, shoving her aside.

"…Done with Yugi? You mean Atem? Nothing. Why would I want to do anything to him?" Melissa asked, looking cutely affronted. "He's just in the living room."

Anzu stormed in, Honda following in her wake. Yugi was sitting on the sofa, looking dazed but happy. At first he didn't even respond to Anzu's presence, but after screaming in his ear, she managed to rouse him enough to get a response.

"Hi…Tea…Tristan" He muttered woozily. "Wass…up guys?"

"We're getting you out of here. Now." Anzu snapped. "Get up."

"…No…I'm good here…I'll stay with Melissa….she's really pretty…" He mumbled.

"Honda, I think you're going to have to carry him."

Honda nodded, and half carried, half dragged the smaller boy from the room. He struggled apathetically, but his motor functions seemed beyond his control.

"Well this wasn't too hard." Honda grunted. "She didn't put up much of a fight."

"…Wait…where is she?" Anzu asked. Melissa was nowhere in sight.

"No matter," Honda muttered. "Just as long as she's not going to interfere."

"… And it is just soooo cute." They both jumped as they heard Melissa's voice cut through the still of the evening. She was by the car, talking to Kaiba, who looked markedly less sullen than he had during the drive.

"Kaiba, we're leaving," Anzu snarled, as she helped Honda bundle a still protesting Yugi into the car.

He didn't respond. He just stood there listening, totally enthralled by whatever Melissa was saying, which appeared to be a rather dull description of a dress she was planning on buying.

"KAIBA!"

He blinked and shook his head, like a swimmer surfacing from dark water, and gave Anzu a dirty look, one she didn't feel she deserved.

"What the hell just happened?" He hissed, turning on Melissa.

She giggled. "Nothing, Seto-Chan. We were just talking."

Anzu secretly smirked. Calling Kaiba 'Seto-Chan' was an act of stupidity equivalent to petting a starving timber wolf. This bitch was in deep sh-…trouble.

But there was no massacre. No decapitation He didn't even yell at her. He just shrugged and got in the car.

"…Kaiba…what the hell?" Honda was the first to break the silence.

"Why is that bitch still breathing?" Anzu asked. "You heard what she called you…"

"Meh."

"'Meh?' That's all you can say?"

"I think she's gotten to you too, dude." Honda told him gravely. "Soon you'll be just like him." He indicated Yugi, who had pressed his face against the glass and was waving pathetically at the receding figure of Melissa.

"Shut up. I'm just trying to be mature about this. God knows, someone has to be." Anzu glared at him suspiciously, but didn't comment. " Seriously, what is up with him though?" Kaiba continued, turning to look at the pathetic wreck of his former rival. Anzu, who was riding shotgun, screamed and grabbed at the steering wheel.

"Kaiba, you're supposed to be driving!"

"Yeah, I had noticed. Only cowards actually look at the road. See?" He smirked at her and shut his eyes.

"Ok, you've made your point. I will never ask you for a lift again. NOW PLEASE OPEN YOUR EYES!"

Honda, apparently unruffled by the gratuitous display of irresponsibility, continued the conversation.

"Anyway, we have to find out what she did to him. Have you got anything we can use to test if he's been drugged?"

Kaiba snorted. "I run a gaming company. What the hell would I want a blood testing kit for?"

"Well…you just always seem to have plot related equipment. So now what do we do?"

"Go to the hospital," Anzu said with finality.

"Forget it. I'm _not_ driving you idiots to the hospital.

"But…If we don't find out what's wrong with him, you'll never be able to beat him properly. C'mon. That'd be cutting of your nose to spite your face. Besides, we have to find out what she's doing. You could be next. Do you really want to end up like him?" Anzu said, pointing at Atem. "No, don't turn around to look at him, Kaiba, please – WATCH OUT FOR THE TRUCK!"

As they drove away, Anzu felt herself calming down. Being around Melissa made her feel like a different person. And an extremely unpleasant, bitchy one at that.

When they got to the hospital, Kaiba yelled at a random man in a white lab coat under the general assumption that a man in a white lab coat would know how to conduct a blood test. The man claimed that he didn't. Kaiba patiently explained to him that he did, and, if he didn't, then what the hell was he doing in front of them, taking up oxygen? Confronted with this logic and Kaiba's crocodilian grin (the kind of grin that suggested Kaiba would be quite happy to ensure that he never took up oxygen ever again), the man agreed that he could in fact conduct a blood test.

Half an hour and several syringes full off Yugi's blood later, the man in a white lab coat confirmed, in a shaking voice, that there was no trace of any drug in Atem's system, yes he was very sure, no, pretty sure, well, he didn't think so and could he please go home now, Mr Kaiba, please?

"Well," Honda said cheerfully, "it must be magic then. Or hypnosis. Or maybe she lobotomised him. Or -"

"That's not helping, Tristan. Sorry. Honda."

"Why do you keep calling each other that?" Kaiba asked. He'd perked up considerably when the man in a white lab coat who may or may not have been a doctor began sticking needles in his rival.

"Must be something she's doing. But why?" Honda mused.

"I don't know. I think we should find everyone else she was talking to. Jounuchi had it pretty bad."

"So what do we do with him?" Honda asked, indicating Yugi. They'd tried persuading him to switch back to his normal self, but with no success. Throughout the painful and incompetent bloodletting, he'd sat, uncomplaining, smiling slightly, in his own happy, Melissa centred little world.

"Let's just take him home. His grandfather can take care of him until we figure out what's happened to him."

So that's what they had done. The old man had been half asleep, and hadn't really listened to their garbled explanation of why his grandson was acting like a zombie, and had only smiled and nodded. They'd deposited Yugi on the sofa, and then, for want of anything more constructive to do, Anzu and Honda had decided to make cocoa.

"Well, I'm out of here. Unless you have any other errands for me to run? Perhaps you'd like me to mow your lawn, or do your laundry while I'm here?" Kaiba asked, sarcasm and resentment dripping from every word.

"Well actually, you could -" Honda began.

"Do you _want_ me to kill you?" Kaiba hissed. He stormed out to his car, slammed the door, and sped off into the night.

That was the last time they saw him alive. No, that was the kind of melodramatic crap they didn't need. More accurately, that was the last time they'd seen him sane (well…Kaiba sane. Which wasn't the same as normal people sane).


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

And all minor characters shall be eclipsed by her majesty and shall exist not in this new world

The next morning, they went straight to chez Jounuchi. The city was eerily quiet. They didn't see a single living soul on the journey.

The door swung open ominously at Honda's knock. When they entered, there was no sign of their friend, just his father passed out on the sofa, and empty whisky bottle clutched in his hand and vomit drying on his face.

Bakura's apartment was also deserted, and since they didn't know where Ryuuji lived now that his game store had burnt down, they had no choice but to give up. No one was answering their cell phones, and so it was with heavy hearts and sore feet that they wandered into the Kame game shop, three hours later.

"They're with Melissa, aren't they?" Honda stated flatly.

"I guess. What is she doing? And why?" Anzu asked. "Is she trying to take over the world? Or shroud the earth in darkness? It seems like all she's done so far is enchant people to love her. Assuming that's what she's doing."

"It seems to be attractive men that she's targeting," Honda said thoughtfully, "which doesn't explain why I'm immune. I suppose my spirit is just too strong for her to bend to her will."

"…Yeah…that sounds about right…" Anzu murmured, trying not to laugh. "I suppose we have no choice but to go and confront her again. But how? I think the only reason we got away last time was because she let us. We're going to need serious magic backing us up to even stand a chance, and neither of us knows anything about it."

"Gramps is bound to know something. Maybe he can help."

"Where is he?" Anzu asked, realising suddenly that they'd been standing in the shop for over five minutes, and the old man still hadn't popped up to stare at her chest. They walked through into the employees' only section, to find there was no sign of anyone. Atem was gone from his bedroom and the place was completely deserted.

"…There's only one thing for it. We're going to have to go to Kaiba again," Anzu decided. She was loath to press her luck with the capricious psychopath, but desperate times called for desperate measures and he, other than them, seemed to be the only sane person left in the city. Relatively speaking.

And so it was that our two heroes made their way to the KaibaCorp building. The pretty secretary smiled at them, and told them she had no idea where her boss was, so if they'd just like to take a seat…

She was cut off as Mokuba burst into the room.

"You guys! What the hell is going on!? He screamed.

"What's happened?" Honda asked, a little shocked at the boy's language.

"There was this girl, and she was really weird, and her face kept changing, and she said she had to talk to Seto, and the security guy told her to piss off, and she said something, and he went all weird, and she went into Seto's office, and she was in there for ages, and they came out together, and he wouldn't talk to me, and his eyes were all weird, and I don't know where they've gone, and I need to take a breath cause I think I'm gonna pass out!" Mokuba gasped.

It took a moment for them to process the information dump, in which time Mokuba panted for breath, Honda twiddled his thumbs, and Anzu tried desperately to take in what had just been said.

"So she's got to him too…" Anzu cursed. "Now what do we do?"

"We fight!" Mokuba shouted. "I know where Seto keeps all his guns. We can go round that bitch's house and bust a cap in her ass!"

There was an awkward silence.

"Maybe," Anzu said, choosing her words with care, "it would be best if you waited here. Just in case your brother comes back."

"But -"

"She's right, kid. You hold down the fort. Besides," Honda said, "if anything happened to you, Kaiba would kill us."

Mokuba pouted. He was used to having his own way, and would no doubt have argued further if Anzu hadn't quickly changed the subject.

"We can't go to the police because she hasn't obviously Friendship! committed a crime. She probably has some kind of powerful magic on her side judging from the way she overcame the other Yugi. What can we do? Aaaargh, I can't think." She played the dialogue back in her mind. "Uh…did I just shout 'friendship' in the middle of a sentence for no obvious reason?"

"…Yes. Yes you did." Mokuba told her.

"Oh God, she's getting to me too. What's she doing to my mind!?"

"Right. That's it. We're doomed. No one can stop her now." Honda stated with flat finality.

"Honda, stop being so melodramatic."

"But what if she comes for us? How can we -"

"Don't be an idiot. You know she isn't going to come after us. She can't even remember your name. What makes you think she'll waste her time messing with you, when she has everyone else?" Anzu snapped. "Now would you stop being a twat and help me figure out a way to rescue our friends?"

"Fine. I say we kill her."

"You saw what she did to Yugi. She has powerful magic on her side. I don't think we can beat her directly. We need to be smart about this."

"…Right…so what do we do?"

Anzu walked to the window and gazed out over the city. "I don't know. We'll work something out later. In the meantime," she said, turning back to face him, "we can't just wait around here. We should at least try to break the spell they're under. I can't bear to leave them with that slimy bitch for another minute."

To be continued…

Ok, review responses;

**blackcatdragon17**: Yes. Yes it is.

**Dragonlady222**: Thank you! And I hope they'll be okay too…

**Black Egyptian Dragon**: …I appear to have hit a nerve…Does this mean you like it…?

**chibi mii**: Thanks to you, too! I think. Good strange or just strange strange?

**Taranea**: I won't give away the plot by commenting on Kaiba's fate, Honda kicks ass and takes names and sorry about the comma. Hey, no one's perfect, right?

**Chibi's Sister**: I'm sorry you don't like the name thing. You're objection is duly noted though, as you said, it's too late for me to do anything about it. I don't have anything against using the dub names, I just thought calling each other by the wrong names and not knowing why would add to their confusion and stuff.

Thanks to everyone, and here's your chance to have a real impact on the story. There are two different endings I'm considering, one happy, one really not. Which way should it go? You tell me. You guys have the power.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

And lo! The hot male characters shalt lose their garments

Anzu strode through the night, filled with rage. How dare that bitch steal her man! She was the only woman he could love. No one could come between them! No one! She mentally slapped herself. What the hell was she thinking? She sounded like a complete twat.

Honda also strode, filled with slightly less rage. Rather than try to turn him into a human yoyo alternating between insane bitchy rages and infuriatingly cheerful friendship speeches, Melissa had completely overlooked him. He was almost insulted. Almost.

It was dark when they reached Melissa's house. Anzu slumped onto the low wall bordering the garden, threw off her boots and rubbed her aching feet. She glared enviously at her friend's comfy trainers.

The possessor of said trainers pressed his nose against the glass of the window.

"I can't see anything. No, wait…get down!" he yelled, throwing himself down into the shrubbery. Anzu followed suit as the lights flicked on and Melissa entered the room.

"Ok, here's the plan. You knock on the door and distract her, while I try to sneak in round the back. I'll go through her stuff, see if she's got, I dunno, the Millennium Spork or something hidden. If I can't find anything, I'll grab the boys and get out, 'kay?"

"Um…but what -" Honda began, but she was already crawling off through the bushes.

He got to his feet and walked up to the door. Melissa opened it on the third knock.

"Oh, hi…you're…Thomas…? Terrance?" Melissa smiled and blushed prettily. "I normally have such a good memory for names…"

_I'll bet you do_, Honda thought grimly.

"Look, this really isn't such a good time. I have company, you see," She told him politely.

"Yeah, but this is really important. You see…um…I just saw on the news that…uh…" He had a flash of inspiration. "Asbestos!!!"

"Asbestos?" She looked charmingly confused.

"Yes. Houses in this area are full of it. You really need to get out. You shouldn't stay there another minute. You could die!"

"No, there can't be any asbestos here," she told him with attractive conviction.

"Oh, but there definitely is! I had this uncle, lived in his house for thirty years, then suddenly…" Honda disconnected his brain and allowed his mouth to keep running, a useful talent he had cultivated for explaining to teachers why he hadn't done the latest assignment. He carefully moved so that his foot was over the threshold, preventing her from slamming the door on him. She was much too polite and generous to interrupt.

He kept up his diatribe about the dangers of carcinogenic insulation materials for a good fifteen minutes, until he saw Anzu round the corner of the house and gesture to him.

"Hey, actually, you know what? I think I got the wrong house. No asbestos here. Bye!"

He left her looking adorably baffled and ran around to meet Anzu.

She was crouching behind a fountain and she wasn't alone.

Honda stared with mixed emotions at the vacant face of Kaiba Seto.

"…what happened to his shirt…?" he asked finally.

"Dunno. He was just sitting on the couch, spacing out. I couldn't find anyone else so I dragged him along." Anzu told him. "So now what do we do?"

"Kaiba…? Can you hear me?" Honda asked.

No response.

"Kaiba, Mokuba's dead!"

Still no response.

"Well if that didn't work, I don't know what will. Even Yugi didn't have it this bad…"

"I cant believe that bitch is doing this! How can I be sympathising with Kaiba!? Melissa is so going to pay!"

"Melissa…? …Shouldn't say stuff like that 'bout her…she's a great person…." Kaiba mumbled, momentarily roused from his Melissa-induced stupour.

Anzu grabbed him by the shoulders and screamed into his face. "What the hell are you talking about!? Can you even _hear_ yourself!? You have known this girl _five_ minutes and already you- "

"No…I knew her at the orphanage…didn't I? We were best friends…"

"You are Kaiba Seto! You do not make friends! You are an evil, twisted sociopath who hates the world!"

"…Just misunderstood…" He muttered and slumped. She yelled until she was hoarse and then sulked.

"I don't think he's going to be much help," Honda said.

"Well thank you for stating the fucking obvious!" She screeched. Honda cringed.

"…I'm sorry, I'm _sorry_. It's _her_! She's fu - uh…screwing with us and I don't think it's just our minds…look." She pointed at Kaiba who was leaning against an ornamental birdbath, smiling beatifically.

"What…? I don't see anything different. Wait…didn't his nose used to be pointier?"

Honda looked closer and gasped. The young man's face had completely changed. Kaiba naturally had rather sharp and, to Honda's unsympathetic eyes, rodent like features. If he'd gained a little weight and slept more often than once every three days, and got a decent haircut, a generous observer might have said he was handsome. Not so now.

His nose, as Honda had said, wasn't as pointy, and his complexion no longer looked like that of a seventeen-year-old computer geek who thought sleep was something that happened to other people. Gone was the deathly pallor, the panda like rings around his eyes and the zit almost hidden by his fringe. Now his face looked like that of a male model who spent the better part of each day exfoliating. His hair no longer hung in his eyes like the lank fringe of someone for whom hair was low on the list of agendas. It looked styled. It looked like the hair of a male model who devoted all the time that he wasn't exfoliating in to deep conditioning. He looked like a completely different (though admittedly much better looking) person.

"God…since when has he been so…" Honda groped for an adjective that wouldn't make him sound gay. "…So hot?" He failed. Miserably.

"You see? Now look at me. Properly." Anzu told him flatly.

He looked. And was horrified. Whatever magic had turned Kaiba into some kind of sex god had had the opposite effect on his friend, though the changes had happened so gradually he hadn't even noticed (as has been mentioned earlier, Honda just wasn't very observant).

Her obsessive dancing meant she was usually in excellent shape, but now she looked to be a good 20 pounds overweight. An ugly spot that he was sure hadn't been there a few hours ago had appeared right on the end of her nose, and to say her hair was in rattails was to insult perfectly innocent and hygienic rats. Succinctly put, she was a mess.

"…What…how…?"

"I know. I saw myself in a mirror whilst I was going through her house. I'm surprised it didn't crack. I don't know how or why she's doing this, but that whore is going to pay."

Fat and ugly or not, Anzu was still the brains of the outfit.

"So what do we do now?" Honda asked her.

"Well, we should probably figure out a way to fix Kaiba. Or we could leave him here to die of pneumonia or something. I'm thinking the latter, unless you have any ideas."

Honda smirked. It looked horribly out of place, but he did it anyway. "I didn't want to try this on Yugi, but I've got an idea as to how to wake _him_ up."

"…You really think _that_ will help?"

"It always works in the movies."

"I didn't think you'd be up for it…" Anzu said, doubtfully.

"Sure I am. I mean, it's _Kaiba_"

"That's exactly my point."

"…Are we talking about the same thing?"

"I really hope not…"

"I meant _hitting_ him! What did you think I meant?"

"…Oh…um never mind," Anzu muttered, relieved Honda apparently hadn't read the same fairytales she had. "Do you really think slapping him around is going to work? I think concussion is more likely to cause unconsciousness than alleviate it."

"Maybe, maybe not. Who cares? I just really want to hit the bastard."

Anzu shrugged. She wasn't in the mood to argue. "Hit away. It's not like we have anything better to do."

Honda smirked some more and then slammed a fist into the other boy's impassive face. It was a good punch, lifting Kaiba off his feet. He made no attempt to retaliate or even regain his balance, but simply slumped to the floor.

"Did it work?" Anzu asked dispassionately, bending over him. "Kaiba? Can you hear me?"

"…Anzu…? Wha…?" He blinked and gingerly put a hand to his cheek. "…Feels like someone just hit me…"

"Huh," Honda grinned, "wonder why…"

Lucidity returned slowly. "…Wha happened to my shirt…?" He asked blearily, staring down at his naked torso. "…'M sure I was wearin' a shirt a minute ago…"

"We were wondering the same thing," Anzu told him. "Do you remember anything?"

"'Bout what…? Gods…tell me I wasn't just date raped…"

"…I won't lie to you. It's a possibility…"

"…Augh…" He slumped back, moaning inarticulately.

"Well, that was _moderately_ successful. Any more bright ideas, Tristan?"

"Well we aren't helping anyone cowering in her back garden," Honda said. "We haven't got a plan, we haven't got any magic to help us, you are slowly turning into a friendship obsessed bitch, no offence, please don't kill me, Kaiba is going to be as much use as…as a really useless person (Honda's imagination and linguistic ability were matched only by his observational skills), and I'm just…me."

"But we have one thing she doesn't have!" Anzu told him excitedly.

"What?"

"The Power of Friendship!"

To Be Continued…

Well, I think it's unanimous. There will be a happy ending. Ha, my copy of Word™ doesn't want me to say "happy ending" cause it' too cliché. It thinks I should say "successful conclusion". Well it can kiss my ass. What are you looking at me like that for? It wouldn't be an author's note without me rambling on about any little thing that pops into my head, would it?

If (and that's a big if) I can be arsed, I'll post the alternate conclusion where everything goes horribly wrong.

Thanks for all your support. I'm already planning Book II, staring Kalim and Shada as they battle a terrible threat to the kingdom in the form of a beautiful and mysterious slave girl™.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

And verily the darkness shall consume the world

"Well, we have two possible courses of action. Three if we count Anzu's suggestion that we make friends with Melissa and then have a tea party," Honda said.

"I veto that one."

"Me too."

"You can't veto it. It was your idea."

"I can and I have." Anzu stuck out her tongue.

"Right then. Two courses of action. One; we do as Kaiba's charming little brother suggested and run in there and I quote 'bust a cap in her ass'," Kaiba grinned proudly. "Or two; we run in there and confront her but don't bust any caps."

"How do you even bust a cap in someone's ass?" Anzu asked. She was in that kind of mood. "And do we even have any caps to bust?"

"Well…I did have a few guns, but she must have taken them," Kaiba admitted.

"…What the hell were you carrying 'a few guns' around for?"

"Well isn't it obvious? In case I had to shoot someone. You know how it is…" He said, waving his hand vaguely. "You're just walking along, minding your own business, and suddenly you can't move for assassins."

"But 'a few'? How many guns do you need?"

"It's best to be prepared for all eventualities. Besides, I feel weird without them. Kinda…naked."

"Well perhaps the reason you feel 'kinda naked' is because you are 'kinda naked'. We really need to find you a shirt." Anzu said. Evil bastard or not, the moonlight still gleamed off his muscles in an extremely distracting way. She tried not to look. Yugi was the man for her. Yup. No gorgeous, ripped, hotties for her.

Kaiba smirked at her knowingly, and then turned back to the matter at hand. "I've still got a knife," He told them, pulling off his boot. "I'm not good with throwing knives, but if I can get close enough…"

"…You keep a knife in your _shoe_?"

"For occasions such as this. There was this one time, I was tied up over this tank of sharks and piranhas…and were there electric eels? I think there were. Anyway…wait, no, that was a different time…this time it was a tank of acid. So I'm hanging over this tank full of acid, and I- "

"You're making this up!" Honda interrupted. "Like anyone in real life would drop someone in a vat of acid…"

"It's one hell of a lot less stupid than sealing people's souls in playing cards, and none of you questioned that. I think it was just after that Bond film came out. You know the one. It gave people ideas. I'm just glad they got over that whole thing of tying people to a table with a laser about to castrate them. That's no barrel of laughs, take it from me." He winced at the memory.

"Well, fascinating and terrifying though this glimpse into your private life has been, we should really get back to the matter at hand. We can't waste time, or she'll realise you've gone…"

"Oh, there's no need to worry about that," Melissa told them, stepping out of the shadows, "I've been waiting for the past half an hour for one of you to twig." She smiled, horribly, displaying her perfect teeth.

A lot of things happened very quickly. Almost before she'd finished speaking, Kaiba threw the knife. It would have taken out one of her eyes if she hadn't dodged with an elegant flick of her head. Her hair streamed behind her, flowing like a clichéd simile.

Then Anzu screamed with primal fury and threw herself at her. There was a brief flurry of movement that ended with Anzu pinned to the floor, Melissa gently twisting her arm up behind her back.

"Now let's not try anything stupid…" She said sweetly.

"What have you done to us, you evil whore!? And where's Yugi!?" The dramatic declaration was rather spoilt by the mouthful of turf she was trying to talk around.

Melissa forced her head further into the dirt. "You aren't really in any position to make demands. Still, I'm a nice person," Melissa told her, her tone suggesting that she was more than nice, she was the sweetest, most kind, generous, loving person you could hope to meet, but also too modest to say so. "It's up to Atem though, whether he wants to see you."

The gentle breeze gained strength, lashing the delicate shrubs, and roaring like a hurricane. The cherry blossom was torn from the branches, and swirled around Melissa in a whirlwind of scented petals.

Honda looked up and gasped. A dark void had appeared in the evening sky, a void that was widening by the second. He tried to scream a warning to the others, but his voice was lost in the howling gale. He tried to get to his feet, but the wind slammed him back down.

Ant the gulf in the sky grew wider still, wide enough to swallow them.

And then there was darkness.

To be continued…

Dum dum DUM! Dramatic, huh? Swallowed up by a plot hole. How will our heroes escape? Will they even escape at all, or will Melissa's dark powers consume the world? Watch this space to find out.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

And there shall be matchmaking that goes against the laws of man and God

Honda opened his eyes. And then closed them again. It didn't seem to make any difference. Everything was pitch-black either way.

"Um…hello…?" He said, nervously. "Is there anyone there?"

"What the hell just happened?" He heard Kaiba snap from somewhere off to the left.

He headed towards the sound, arms outstretched, until he collided with someone (or something), which hit him very hard in the face.

"Ow!"

"Oh, was that you? Huh," said the thing that was hopefully Kaiba (and when you _hope_ something is Kaiba, well…you sure as hell ain't in Kansas anymore…).

"When you punch someone, it's traditional to apologise," Honda muttered sullenly, gingerly feeling his nose for damage.

"Yeah? Well tradition can go- "

Honda never found out what tradition could go do, for at that moment a light flared up, so bright it was blinding. Both boys cursed and covered their eyes. Peering through his fingers, Honda dimly made out a figure outlined in the glare.

"…W-who's there?" he asked, trying (and failing) to keep his voice level.

"It's me," said the figure, moving closer. "Anzu," it clarified. There was no mistaking that shrill, annoying voice.

As his eyes adjusted, Honda realised she was holding a pocket torch, its anaemic light made bright in contrast to the surrounding darkness.

"What the hell just happened?" Kaiba repeated.

"You just said that," Anzu whinged, exasperatingly.

"Well I didn't get an answer. Is this the 'shadow realm'?" Honda didn't need to look to know air quotes were being horribly abused.

"I don't think so. The shadow realm's kinda..." Honda groped feebly for adjectives to describe the sheer, unrelenting horror of the outer darkness, a dread realm of Lovecraftian monsters and harrowing, soul-destroying evil. "…It's all swirly…" he tried. "And kinda purple."

"Hey! What's that?" Anzu indicated a patch of darker shadows, just out of the ring of light.

"It looks like…a body?"

Kaiba walked over to the prone figure and kicked it.

"What is it?" Anzu bitched.

"It's that guy. Wassisface. With the sissy hair. And that tacky costume jewellery."

"Bakura!? Is he okay?"

"Dunno. Oh, the midget's here too. And Lassie."

"'Lassie'?"

"Yeah, I felt just calling him 'mutt' wasn't stretching me. So now, I'm going to refer to him by actual dog _names_. Stagnation is a terrible thing."

"Your mind is a strange and terrible place…"

"_Excuse_ me, but if I'm not _interrupting_ anything, _boys_," Anzu whined. Honda fought the urge to hit her. God, she was annoying.

He joined Kaiba by the bodies. Every vaguely attractive male he'd ever met was lying there. Even -

"Oh, _come on_!" He yelled. "How is _he_ more desirable than me!?" They looked down at the recumbent form of Pegasus.

"Well…His hair is always beautifully conditioned…" Anzu offered. "And he's a fun guy to have around; he's great with kids."

"Yes. He's very fond of children…" Kaiba hissed pointedly.

Honda shuffled his feet. "Where's Melissa?" he asked.

"Probably hanging around in the shadows, waiting to make a dramatic entrance," Anzu bitched.

Off in the shadows, someone cursed softly, and then Melissa strode into the circle of light, hair streaming behind her.

"Atem-chan," she called sweetly. "Tea-chan wants to talk to you."

'Atem-chan' sat up, blinking blearily, his jewel like eyes shimmering in the light.

"Yugi, what's happened to you!?" Anzu moaned.

"You have a choice to make, sweet pharaoh; to whom does your heart belong? To your one true love and soul mate? Or an ugly and annoying little stalker? It's up to you, my darling."

"…Melissa…"

"I don't think she heard that. Louder."

"…I choose Melissa…" Anzu slumped to the floor, her head in her hands. "You are…my everything…I would die for you…I would-"

He was interrupted by Kaiba's retching noises. Melissa turned to him, the light reflecting eerily from her beautiful eyes.

"Oh Seto-chan. You shouldn't have fought me," Melissa said in a voice like a honey-coated razorblade. "I think I'm going to have to hurt you…"

He grinned. It was the kind of grin you'd expect to find on something that lies innocuously on a sandbank, looking like a log, right up until it opens its jaws and bites your leg off.

"You're welcome to try, little girl," he hissed, another knife appearing in his hand as if by magic. Honda wasn't sure where he pulled it from, but he was sure that he didn't want to know.

"Haven't you realised by now? You can't fight me. I can do anything. If I told you to take that knife and slit your throat, you'd do it."

"No…" despite the chill, sweat beaded his face, and his hand shook. Slowly, fighting every inch of the way, he raised the knife until the blade rested against his neck.

"But I could never do something do cruel…" Melissa continued. "So drop the knife, and we'll say no more about it."

The knife clattered to the floor.

"I…I meant to do that…"

"Of course you did, sweetheart." She clapped her hands. "I have an even better idea! It's been ages since I played matchmaker!" She turned to survey the unconscious boys. "Now who should I pair you with?"

"What are you talking about!?"

"Joey-chan! Wake up!

To be continued

Uh oh! Things aren't looking good for poor Seto-chan…

Sorry for the late update, my laptop decided to play silly buggers.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

Yet there shall be one who will stand against her power

Jounuchi/Joey lurched to his feet.

"What. Are. You. Doing?" Kaiba groaned through clenched teeth.

"Playing cupid. Don't you think you two would make such a cu-ute couple?"

"Bitch!" he hissed. He swayed and put his hands to his head. "How are you doing this? What's happening to my mind?"

"We-ell, I could explain it, but, since in a matter of minutes you'll be a mindless puppet under my control, there isn't much point."

"Dammit…" His legs gave way, and he would have collapsed if Jounuchi hadn't caught him and swept him into his arms. "Get the hell off me, Toto…" he growled, twisting to get Jounuchi's jugular within reach of his teeth.

"Don't struggle, little dragon, I've got you," Jounuchi said, smiling beatifically.

It was only Kaiba's shock and incomprehension that saved Jounuchi from having all the skin ripped off his face. He momentarily stopped struggling, giving Jounuchi a chance to get a grip on his wrists.

Honda, paralysed with shock and disgust, could only stare. Anzu was still slumped on the floor, oblivious to the horror unfolding before her. Melissa stood to the side and beamed with pride. "Aren't they sweet?" she crowed.

Honda realised that in a horrific and oh so disturbing way, she was right. Joey's honey coloured hair (Honda was sure that yesterday his hair had been a dirty blond, not too clean and had given off a faint aroma of wet dog) hung down into his chocolate brown eyes, framing his masculine face. Honda felt he was falling into a diabetic coma just looking at him. Kaiba, lying in his arms, was trying, with increasing lassitude, to gouge out said chocolate eyes, but was meeting with limited success.

"…And then there was one," Melissa purred. "Now what shall I do with you?"

Honda backed away, trying to keep his knees from knocking together.

"…Please, God keep Jounuchi away from me…Please, I'm sorry…"

"No…I just can't think who to pair you with. You just aren't any fun, Tristan-_chan_."

His fear was replaced with fury. How dare she!? She had the audacity to waltz into their lives, and destroy everything. He looked down at Anzu, weeping on the floor, Kaiba, slumped in Jounuchi's arms, whimpering like an animal in pain, and something inside him snapped. "THAT'S NOT MY NAME, BITCH!!!!"

She stared at him, taken aback.

She rallied; "Now, sweetie, lets not get upset. You don't want to fight me, do you?"

"After what you've done!? I want to _kill_ you, you bitch! You've turned my friends into mindless puppets, torn Anzu's heart to shreds, and, worst of all, you've made me feel pity for _Kaiba_! You're going down!!!"

She gawped at him. "How…?"

He took a swing at her, chivalry be damned. She dodged awkwardly, her usual grace vanished.

"What are you?" she wailed.

"I could ask you the same question! You aren't human, are you?"

"…How very astute of you. You're smarter than I gave you credit for (not that that's difficult). But I am under a blood oath to never reveal my origins to the likes of you. The truth could have catastrophic implications for both you and your world."

"WTF!?" (It isn't really possible to pronounce 'WTF', but Honda gave it a damn good go). "What the hell are you talking about?"

She flushed. "I've already said too much. But now I understand why I can't affect you; You're too minor a character to be manipulated, but too vital a part of cannon for me to write out. You alone are immune. You alone present a threat to me. A threat that must be eradicated."

"I don't know what you're talking about, but it doesn't matter. Without your mind crap, there's nothing you can do. Release everyone, and I won't hurt you."

She laughed, harsh and cold. There was no warmth left in her voice, the musical tones were gone. Now she was as direct and ruthless as a knife thrust.

"I may not be able to manipulate you, but do you really think that matters? You can't beat me, little boy. Anything you can do, I can do better. I'm a better gamer than Yugi-chan, stronger than Joey, smarter than Kaiba, hotter than that blond, slutty chick with the corset. Whereas you, dear Tristan, are so terribly…what's the word? Mediocre. I think that that sums you up quite nicely…don't you?"

"…No…"

"You realise it, don't you? Everyone around you is so special, but you…you're nothing. There's a world full of magic and miracles, ancient ghosts and spirits that you will never be a part of. Still, someone has to clear up the mess and make sure the trains run on time, huh? Not everyone can be a hero."

"Stop it."

"They're very nice about it, aren't they? They almost treat you like an equal. Almost. It must be so annoying for them, having to bail out your sorry ass every few days, put up with you dogging their footsteps, never contributing, always slowing them down. Such _good_ friends."

"Bitch!"

"But it doesn't have to be this way, Tristan-chan. I control reality. I can change it. You could be the hero, the one everyone turns to. 'Tristan Taylor, King of Games'. It has a nice ring to it, don't you think?"

Honda stared. His mind went blank. _She's lying_, was his first thought. But she wasn't. He could see it. _You don't want it though. You've seen what Yugi suffers. You're happy with things the way they are. They need you, whatever she says. _But a little voice at the back of his mind, a little voice he desperately tried to ignore, said _no. You aren't happy. Why are you always second best? It isn't fair. __**It isn't fair!**_

"Everything you've ever dreamed of. It could all be yours. All you have to do is love me. Worship me. I can make your dreams come true…"

To be continued…

OMGWTF!? What happens next!? What will he choose? Does anyone really care? This _is_ Honda we're talking about after all…

Review replies! Yay! And, in no particular order;

**Black Egyptian Dragon**: …Thank you for the support and enthusiasm…Please accept this Ritalin as a token of my appreciation.

**XdearestX**: Again, thanks. Kaiba is indeed a much better storyteller than I, and I did ask him to guest write this chapter but, after hearing what happened, he…he hurt me.

**Fantasy.Maker**: The cupcake was delicious and, if it's in my praise, feel free to rant for as long as you like.

**Taranea**: Sorry, no Bakura. Rest assured though, he will appear much more in my next story (The Book Of The Sue II). And not knowing Kalim and Shada a.k.a. "that guy that dies, you know, was he the guy with the key? No I think that was the other one. Anyway, he had really crap hair" and "That bald guy"? No worries. It just proves my point.

**SwordPrincess**: Sorry, but I must. I am compelled by a higher power. And it's funny. Don't worry, though. This is a child friendly story. Nothing too bad is going to happen. I hope.

A huge thank you to everyone else who reviewed. Just remember, I can't reply to them all. Well, I could, but it would take me bloody ages.

Also, a puppy is for life, not just for x-mas.


	8. Chapter 8

Whoops. Late update. My bad.

Chapter 8

And a true hero shall be born

"So what's it to be? Make your choice, Tristan-chan."

Honda stared at his feet, paralysed with indecision.

"All my life I've wanted to be someone…to do the right thing for once…I'm sick of being stuck in other people's shadows."

"And now you have that chance, sweetie!"

He looked up, his gaze steely. "…Yes. I do."

It was an incredible blow. She was lifted up and thrown a good ten feet before sliding to a halt.

"Ow…" It took a moment for what had happened to sink in. "You hit me…Why did you hit me?"

"You have to ask!? How stupid are you? All that talk about making me a hero, when all along I could become one by kicking your skanky ass back to whatever the hell craphole dimension you just crawled out of."

"Stupid boy! You want to be a hero so bad!? Then I'll give you the chance to die like one!"

"Better than living as your slave!" Where were these cheesy melodramatic words coming from? He sounded like a prat.

She closed her eyes and concentrated. Her feet lifted several inches off the ground, and a dark corona surrounded her. Was it just him, or were the shadows getting darker? No one else seemed to have noticed anything, but then he doubted any of them would have noticed if a…if…if something really noticeable had happened (as has been previously noted, Honda isn't the most eloquent of people).

"Spirits of the damned, heed my words and lend me your power," Melissa intoned dramatically. "I call upon you to-" (insert the overblown Batman&Robin-esque sound effect of your choice as Honda punches her again)

"Argh! Stop hitting me, you little shit! How am I supposed to kill you if you keep hitting me!?" she screamed, scrambling to her feet, a thin stream of blood trickling from her nose.

"The point is…you're kinda not."

"You…you can't beat me. I'm the greatest fighter in the world, no, the universe!"

"In the multiverse," Jounuchi added (un)helpfully, momentarily distracted from stroking Kaiba's hair. _Since when did he know the word 'multiverse'?_ Honda wondered.

"Now, I challenge you…" she paused dramatically "…To a shadow duel!"

"No." Honda folded his arms.

"…W-what? You have to!" she wailed petulantly.

"No I don't."

"…But this…you…how…_cheater_!"

"Yeah, whatever."

_She has no strength of her own. Her power lies in making others believe that they are weak. _The words appeared in his mind, and he was pretty sure that he hadn't thought them.

And then she attacked.

It was…embarrassing. Her grace and poise was gone. She simply threw herself at him, shrieking hysterically. There was no evidence of deadly skill, no evidence of even the most basic hand-eye coordination; she simply flailed at him ineffectually.

One of her manicured nails scratched his cheek, drawing blood. He sighed and hit her again. She collapsed into a heap, sobbing incoherently.

"I…I jus' wanted you to love me…jus' wanted somebody to care…"

"Shut up. And let everyone go. Now." Honda snarled, hoping he sounded more menacing than he felt.

"…After my parents tried to…to k-kill me, and my kitty was hit by a t-truck…" she continued, totally ignoring him. "I just wanted some friends…I've been soooo lonely…"

He grabbed her by the collar, and pulled her to her feet. "Let. Them. Go."

She wriggled out of his grip and wiped the snot from her face. "Alright, alright. They're free…"

Behind him, he heard them begin to stir.

"Honda…was' hap'nin'? where are we?" Jounuchi slurred, looking around blearily. He focused, and looked down at the semiconscious, half-naked young man lying in his arms.

Kaiba, for his part, had regained his senses enough to return to his default setting of homicidal fury, and struck upwards with the heel of his hand in a blow which, had it connected, would have shattered Jounuchi's nose and driven shards of bone into his brain, killing him instantly. Fortunately, the blow didn't connect, because Jounuchi dropped him.

Kaiba struggled to his feet, cursing and swearing vengeance, partly against Melissa, but mostly against Jounuchi. Jounuchi himself was too traumatised to do much more than whimper and claw at himself.

Honda, after satisfying himself that Kaiba was still too woozy to make good his threats, turned to Anzu, who had pulled herself together remarkably quickly, and was making her way towards Yugi with a determined look in her eyes.

He turned back to Melissa. "You'd better go back to wherever you came from. Kaiba is going to want to kill you, and god knows what Bakura and Marik will do once they work out what's happened."

"...You'd just let me go?" she asked.

"I'm a hero, remember? I don't have much of a choice. But if you ever come back…"

"Yeah, yeah." She smiled impishly. "But what's a hero without an arch nemesis? I will be back, but not in this incarnation. Perhaps I'll be a Rebel!Sue…" She began to disintegrate, and exploded in a shower of pixels.

Honda smiled to himself. He watched Anzu embracing a rather confused Atem, watched Jounuchi and Kaiba scream hysterically at each other, watched the other unfortunate young men try to work out just what the hell was going on, and why many of them had lost their shirts, and realised that nobody, absolutely nobody would ever realise or care that he had saved them all, but that he didn't give a damn. And if Melissa ever did come back, he would be there to face her again.

"I'll be waiting…"

The End…?

"But stop!" I hear you cry. How do they get out of the plot hole? Does Kaiba ever find his shirt? Does Jounuchi realise that his homophobia is only a way to disguise his true sexuality from himself? Does anyone care? The answers are; They fall through another plot hole back into Domino; no, but he just buys another one; no, he marries Mai and lives a lie for the rest of his days; I don't really know, but it would be nice if they did.

Stay tuned for The Book Of The Sue II.

Congrats to Taranea for getting that reference!

I may, if I can be arsed, post an alternate bonus ending. Or I may not. Meh.


End file.
